| Modern-day miracles, it seems, do occur -- and in the strangest places. A Christian evangelist driving down a Virginia turnpike is pulled over for speeding. The trooper smells alcohol in the vehicle and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. The officer asks the cleric: "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Only water, officer," the minister says. "Then why do I distinctly smell wine in your car? The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" |
| The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask, "What's a seven ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that it's a Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask. She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there." One of them gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it as she writes it ... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. Then one goes and gets it for her. If you don't get it...draw a circle, write 710 inside of it. Now rotate the circle 180 degrees. |
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The latest ploy to drive the Taliban out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Bubba Dean and Cooter are being sent in and told three things:
1. The limit is two. 2. The season ended last weekend. 3. They taste just like chicken. That should just about finish em off... |
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President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, " Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them,". So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says,"We're planning WW III ." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big breasts." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass?! I told you no one would worry about 140 million Iraqis!" |
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Sixty Years of Marriage
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick, and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. she agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily. The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from? "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies." |
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." |
| When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying your taxes. |
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Dilbert's List of the Day, San Francisco Chronicle, 10/4/2001 PM edition Datebook page B12 "The Features Page"
Fun phrases to slip into contracts. 1. If this person breaches his/her contract, he/she will be terminated. And I don't mean fired. - very vindictive guy. 2. TRUE. Forty pages into a 63 page contract, technical specs section, I put "If you see this, call me." I didn't get a call. -illiterate-bert. |
| EuroEnglish:
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":-- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will makethe sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deferent to akurate speling. Also, al will agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. |
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Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! The life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over... I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine. I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care. I'm not grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't remember. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen? I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! Now- Have I already sent this to you??????? |
| Pope's Visit to Minnesota
On a tour of Minnesota, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Superior on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Green Bay football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Viking football jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon' ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Wisconsin man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Wisconsin and Minnesota, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom. "Well," the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about Sturgeon fishing. How is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?" |
| On the lam ....
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . the Army is still looking for him. |
| Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. Incidentally, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.) (S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed |
| How Specs Live Forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long-distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard rail gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. |
| Recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers |
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The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was clever enough that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is of course why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? |
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It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! |
| Geography Lesson
You live on the West Coast when . . . * You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house. * The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. * The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. * You know how to eat an artichoke. * You drive to your neighborhood block party. ================================ You live in New York when . . . * You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. * You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. * You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. * You think Central Park is "nature." * You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. * You think eye contact is an act of aggression. ================================= You live in Alaska when . . . * You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco. * Halloween costumes fit over parkas. * You have more than one recipe for moose. * Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. * The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. ================================= You live in the South when . . . * You get a movie and bait in the same store. * "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. * After a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?" * "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. ================================= You live in Colorado when . . . * You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. * You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care. * A pass does not involve a football or dating. * The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. * Your bridal registry is at REI. ==================== You live in the Midwest when . . . * You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. * Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. * You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. * You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with." * Your first job was detasseling. * When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different." |
| Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." >>>>------------------------------>>> Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof - hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." >>>>--------------------------->>> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. >>>>--------------------------->>> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway -- hence, a "thresh hold." >>>>------------------------------->>> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." >>>>------------------------------->>> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and ³chew the fat." >>>>----------------------------->>> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mould got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, mouldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." >>>>--------------------------------->>> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." >>>>------------------------------------>>> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake." >>>>-------------------------->>> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer". And that's the truth!!!! Whoever said that History was boring ............ |
Keep Your Fork There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. 'In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say,'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?". Then Want you to tell them: "Keep your fork ... the best is yet to come." The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage! you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork." Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share ... being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back tothe person who sent it to you. And keep your fork. Life is what happens in-between plans. |
Count the "F's" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS |